im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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