the condom got lost in my hair
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Randomize
