I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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