I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
