Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
