sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
