You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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