i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
