She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
