Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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