I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize