I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
