Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
