It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
