her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
