There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
