I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
