obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize