Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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