I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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