I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
