Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize