Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
