just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize