Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
