shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
