maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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