She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
