he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
