I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
