Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I need water and some morals
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
