Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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