i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
