Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
