Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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