so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
