gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
