1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
