What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
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