My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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