This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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