The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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