I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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