The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
did i just pee glitter
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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