dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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