i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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