Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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