don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
