is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize