why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
