I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
