Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
