Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize