He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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