totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
should my penis look like a turkey
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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