Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Small penises have feelings too.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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