how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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