just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
