it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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