I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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