I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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