I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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