Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
