she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
