i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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