her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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