my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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