He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
