I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
