This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
