woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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