u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
