I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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