I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize