For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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