cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
