So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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