After last night, I could never be a politician.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
